Part III: Walking on the Street
It was the end of the year of his divorce. I didn’t take my vacation trip, I was not in the mood for that. I took my holiday, yes, but I didn’t go anywhere. The weather was so cold that it froze my brain. I could not think, not even one thing. I could only walk on the street to warm up my body, not far from my apartment, but still didn’t know where to go.
I folded my arms tightly, trying to keep my chest but I knew it was useless at all since the wind could still get into my body. Perhaps, the only thing passing my mind was how to handle this cold weather. But then there was something else passing my mind…and eyes… It was him. He stepped out of a café, and when he almost turned through the side walk, he noticed me behind him. I was shocked, he smiled.
“Hi,” he greeted me.
“Hi,” I answered him with a very low voice, and I was sure that he didn’t hear it.
“You work at the end of the year?” he asked.
“No.”
“Where do you wanna go?”
“I don’t know.”
He kept smiling and looking at me with bright eyes. They weren’t like in the night of our first and last fight. I meant real fight, not merely argument. “I’ve just drunk a cup of hot coffee, do you want some?” he asked me again while pointing out the door of the café beside him with his thumb.
“No, thanks.” I refused it, but stood still without any facial expression, I guess.
“Do you wanna walk with me?” he kept asking and offering me something.
“Where?”
“I don’t know. It’s up to you.”
Eventually, I walked along the main street of the city with him. We didn’t talk at all, even until the first hour of the walk of ours. When we were close to the city park, suddenly, out of my mind, I asked him, “Why did you divorce your wife?”
He seemed to be shocked by my question. However, he still answered me, “I’d told you. We decided it together. You know, my wife apparently also didn’t feel happy being with me.” I was then quiet, but he asked me in turn, “You don’t feel happy? You hang up the phone that night.”
“How am I supposed to be happy? I’m not a weirdo who can feel happy above the agony of other people.”
He smiled, “I know.” He sighed a little, and then said, “Donny told me that there’s some guy.”
“Ha?” I didn’t understand at first.
“You… Finally you have a guy.”
“Hah, bullshit! I have no one.”
“Still?”
“Aha.”
“Then… who’s Ali?”
“Haahh…just a friend. I got some male friends all these three years. He’s nice to me, but…”
“But what?” he cut my sentence fast, it seemed like he wanted to hear something bad about that guy.
I looked at him, I knew what his question meant. And I answered it honestly, “I just don’t want to think in hurry that I need someone to be my boyfriend.” He smiled again, I knew it was his satisfaction of hearing my answer.
“You just don’t wanna be hurry for replacing me.” he said arrogantly.
“Hah, silly! I don’t wanna be hurry not because I can’t replace you, it was because I haven’t known him well! I don’t want to regret it someday.”
“Why? He can’t fulfill your criteria?”
“I just don’t feel that he quite understand me…understand what I want. Okay?!”
“You’re selfish.”
“I’m selfish, yeah I know. But at least I don’t wanna sacrifice someone to be the one that I want him to be.” I argued him. He stopped walking, looking at me like I was despising him. “I am right, aren’t I?” I also stopped walking and tried to defend my argument this time, but his eyes told me that he couldn’t still accept what I have said.
“Why don’t you just say that you don’t and can’t love him?” he asked me, with a hidden anger I guess.
“It’s not about love, Hassan. It’s never about love.”
“Then what?”
“We’re not living in Shakespearean era, Hassan! It’s not about love and romanticism! We live in a reality, in a world. Real world! Many things in the world are so unpredictable and we can’t just write our destiny with love! In relationship, the thing that we can do is just do the best for us and for our spouses.”
He looked at me, but this time, without anger inside his eyes. “Rika…”
“I love you… After a very long time finally I know I love you. And you know that I love you. But love is not enough. It’s never enough.” I was silent for a while, then I continued, “I can never be the woman that you dream of, and so can’t you to me.”
“I love you too, Rika.”
“Love is not enough, Hassan. It’s not, it’s never… We know it. You know it. Your ex-wife knows it.”
I stepped my feet again, continuing my walk to the city park. He stood still for some seconds, but then he followed me. “Will you give me a chance, Rika?”
I turned to him while stepping slowly on the side walk. “You’re the one who’s supposed to give me that chance. You know what I mean.” I said it with smile.
~The End~
Tags: english story, gender, love story, short story
